Playing the victim

Self-Pity

Stephen Fry one said that “the most destructive vice that a person can have, more than pride, which is supposedly the number one sin, is self pity.”

In that sense, I have been destroying myself for years.

“Self-pity will destroy relationships, it will destroy anything that is good, it will fulfill all prophecies it makes and leaves only itself” – Stephen Fry

It’s really simple to believe that you are the victim of your circumstance. Many people that I know are affected by that way of thinking. Worst thing to admit is that I am a victim to having immense self-pity for myself.

Why have a lot of bad things happened in my life? I must be a victim of random bad chance, experiencing one bad circumstance after another. It’s very easy to feel pity of bad circumstance, and feel that ‘bad luck’ must have followed me into another different problem.

I think self-pity is the single worst emotion that someone could have. It will destroy everything around it and leave only itself. It’s so simple to imagine that things are unfair, and how you are being treated unfairly, or “if I only had a better chance.” If X happened instead of Y, I would be much better off than where I am at right now. It’s very hard to snap out of that pseudo-philosophic way of thinking, because you are the most important person that you will ever know in your life. It’s almost like a defense mechanism to protect yourself; to protect yourself from your own demons or consequences.

Me? Kaung Oo? Of course I am the most important person in my life, I am me! If I don’t care for myself, who else? Am I a bad person? No, I can’t be. I am a good person, and I have a good heart.

It’s said that you are your own worst critic, but you are also your own best liar. I wanted to be happier when things got tough, but I always made excuses for myself. Bad grades? Well, it’s because X happened. It’s because some girl made me feel bad, or rejected me, that I couldn't focus on what was most important in my life. I couldn't focus on school because my feelings were hurt. I mean, it’s not my fault! I would've done much better, had great results and it would've shown a better reflection of how good of a student I am, I could’ve shown my real potential! It’s not my fault!

If only I had better luck with … studying.

Or

With women. I’m such a nice guy, why can’t women see that? They say they want to be with me, but it’s never true. Do they just lie to me? Why? I’m a good guy; I’m such a nice guy. Maybe I just have bad luck dealing with the opposite sex. It’s just so hard to find someone that’ll love me as much as I love someone back. I am too good to other people sometime.

Sleeping earlier. It’s not such a big deal, I don’t have school tomorrow. I can always study later, I’m pretty smart. Sleep isn’t such a big deal on the weekends, I use this time to get better at video games anyways; my favorite hobby.

Missed class? Ah, bad luck. I should’ve slept earlier, or woken up earlier. It’s just one class, it’s not going to hurt me at all!  

Studying and not getting distracted. Oh well, I have a lot of time.

Days become weeks, weeks into years, and years into repressed emotions. It’s never good to feel pity for yourself, because no one is going to take care of yourself when you're trapped.

In 2013, I wish to become a stronger person. A stronger person that beats every day by day; small steps at a time. I want to accomplish the goals I have set for myself and to atone for the mistakes I have made in the past.

From 2012, I am grateful to have clarity of thought on my character and what my mistakes were. I am grateful to have met wonderful people, especially Suh. I always told myself to not rely on anyone except for myself, but she makes me feel like I’m alive when I’m feeling bad over the mistakes I’ve made. It’s always nice to meet someone who makes you stronger.

I also want to get in better shape but hey, one step at a time, right?

I love you all, and I hope you all have something to be grateful for. And something that made you stronger.

Here’s to 2013, and here’s to stop hoping for better circumstances, but instead to pray to be stronger men.

If---

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too:
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise;

If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim,
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And you treat those two impostors just the same:
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools;

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss:
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing on you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with Kings - and not lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much:
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man, my son!