The two or however recent posts on this blog really shows what kind of mind someone is in when they are not happy at a particular time.
Specifically I had to write down the thoughts in my mind when I didn't want to talk it out with anyone else. Like the thoughts in my mind were going to spill out, but I didn't want to open up my vulnerabilities to anyone, so I come online and spill my guts to my anonymous blog that no one will read.
The security of an empty stage gives me ease, knowing no one will take advantage of it. And after it is out there on the stage, I feel much more solid stepping off. I feel much more different to whoever I was talking about, to whomever I feel whatever feelings towards, and to my outlook past it, after writing it down; almost as if I'm letting my feelings go.
EDIT: The two posts before this one has been taken back to drafts. It's much better that way; less bad vibrations.
Tuesday, April 21, 2015
Monday, December 31, 2012
Playing the victim
Self-Pity
Stephen Fry one said that “the most destructive vice that a
person can have, more than pride, which is supposedly the number one sin, is
self pity.”
In that sense, I have been destroying myself for years.
“Self-pity will destroy relationships, it will destroy
anything that is good, it will fulfill all prophecies it makes and leaves only
itself” – Stephen Fry
It’s really simple to believe that you are the victim of
your circumstance. Many people that I know are affected by that way of thinking. Worst thing to admit is that I am a victim to having immense self-pity for myself.
Why have a lot of bad things happened in my life? I must be
a victim of random bad chance, experiencing one bad circumstance after another. It’s very
easy to feel pity of bad circumstance, and feel that ‘bad luck’ must have followed
me into another different problem.
I think self-pity is the single worst emotion that someone
could have. It will destroy everything around it and leave only itself. It’s so simple to imagine that things are
unfair, and how you are being treated unfairly, or “if I only had a better chance.” If
X happened instead of Y, I would be much better off than where I am at right
now. It’s very hard to snap out of that pseudo-philosophic way of thinking,
because you are the most important person that you will ever know in your life.
It’s almost like a defense mechanism to protect yourself; to protect yourself
from your own demons or consequences.
Me? Kaung Oo? Of course I am the most important person in my
life, I am me! If I don’t care for myself, who else? Am I a bad person? No, I can’t
be. I am a good person, and I have a good heart.
It’s said that you are your own worst critic, but you are
also your own best liar. I wanted to be happier when things got tough, but I always
made excuses for myself. Bad grades? Well, it’s because X happened. It’s because
some girl made me feel bad, or rejected me, that I couldn't focus on what was
most important in my life. I couldn't focus on school because my feelings were
hurt. I mean, it’s not my fault! I would've done much better, had great results
and it would've shown a better reflection of how good of a student I am, I could’ve shown my real
potential! It’s not my fault!
If only I had better luck with … studying.
Or
With women. I’m such a nice guy, why can’t women see that?
They say they want to be with me, but it’s never true. Do they just lie to me?
Why? I’m a good guy; I’m such a nice guy. Maybe I just have bad luck dealing
with the opposite sex. It’s just so hard to find someone that’ll love me as
much as I love someone back. I am too good to other people sometime.
Sleeping earlier. It’s not such a big deal, I don’t have
school tomorrow. I can always study later, I’m pretty smart. Sleep isn’t such a
big deal on the weekends, I use this time to get better at video games anyways; my favorite hobby.
Missed class? Ah, bad luck. I should’ve slept earlier, or
woken up earlier. It’s just one class, it’s not going to hurt me at all!
Studying and not getting distracted. Oh well, I have a lot
of time.
Days become weeks, weeks into years, and years into
repressed emotions. It’s never good to feel pity for yourself, because no one
is going to take care of yourself when you're trapped.
In 2013, I wish to become a stronger person. A stronger
person that beats every day by day; small steps at a time. I want to accomplish the
goals I have set for myself and to atone for the mistakes I have made in the
past.
From 2012, I am grateful to have clarity of thought on my
character and what my mistakes were. I am grateful to have met wonderful
people, especially Suh. I always told myself to not rely on anyone except for
myself, but she makes me feel like I’m alive when I’m feeling bad over
the mistakes I’ve made. It’s always nice to meet someone who makes you
stronger.
I also want to get in better shape but hey, one step at a
time, right?
I love you all, and I hope you all have something to be
grateful for. And something that made you stronger.
Here’s to 2013, and here’s to stop hoping for better
circumstances, but instead to pray to be stronger men.
Tuesday, December 4, 2012
If---
If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too:
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise;
If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim,
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And you treat those two impostors just the same:
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools;
If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss:
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing on you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"
If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with Kings - and not lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much:
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man, my son!
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too:
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise;
If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim,
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And you treat those two impostors just the same:
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools;
If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss:
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing on you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"
If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with Kings - and not lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much:
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man, my son!
Monday, May 23, 2011
If life is so purposeless, do you feel that it's worth living?
Yes.
For those of us who manage somehow to cope with our own mortality, the very meaningless of life forces man to create is own meaning. Children, of course, begin life with an untarnished sense of wonder, a capacity to experience total joy at something as simple as the greenness of a leaf. But as they grow older, the awareness of death and decay begins to impinge on their consciousness and subtly erode their sense of idealism - and their assumption of immortality.
As a child matures, he sees death and pain everywhere about him, and begins to lose faith in the ultimate goodness of man. But if he's reasonably strong - and lucky - he can emerge from this twilight of the soul into a rebirth of life's élan. Both because of and in spite of his awareness of the meaninglessness of life, he can forge a fresh sense of purpose and affirmation. He may not recapture the same pure sense of wonder he was born with, but he can shape something far more enduring and sustaining.
The most terrifying fact about the universe is not that it is hostile but that it is indifferent. But if we can come to terms with this indifference and accept the challenges of life within the boundaries of death - however mutable man be able to make them - our existence as a species can have genuine meaning and fulfillment. However vast the darkness, we must supply our own light.
- Stanley Kubrick : director, writer, producer, photographer
For those of us who manage somehow to cope with our own mortality, the very meaningless of life forces man to create is own meaning. Children, of course, begin life with an untarnished sense of wonder, a capacity to experience total joy at something as simple as the greenness of a leaf. But as they grow older, the awareness of death and decay begins to impinge on their consciousness and subtly erode their sense of idealism - and their assumption of immortality.
As a child matures, he sees death and pain everywhere about him, and begins to lose faith in the ultimate goodness of man. But if he's reasonably strong - and lucky - he can emerge from this twilight of the soul into a rebirth of life's élan. Both because of and in spite of his awareness of the meaninglessness of life, he can forge a fresh sense of purpose and affirmation. He may not recapture the same pure sense of wonder he was born with, but he can shape something far more enduring and sustaining.
The most terrifying fact about the universe is not that it is hostile but that it is indifferent. But if we can come to terms with this indifference and accept the challenges of life within the boundaries of death - however mutable man be able to make them - our existence as a species can have genuine meaning and fulfillment. However vast the darkness, we must supply our own light.
- Stanley Kubrick : director, writer, producer, photographer
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Since Feeling Is First
since feeling is first
who pays any attention
to the syntax of things
will never wholly kiss you;
wholly to be a fool
while Spring is in the world
my blood approves,
and kisses are a better fate
than wisdom
lady i swear by all flowers. Don't cry
—the best gesture of my brain is less than
your eyelids' flutter which says
we are for each other: then
laugh, leaning back in my arms
for life's not a paragraph
And death I think is no parenthesis
e.e. cummings
who pays any attention
to the syntax of things
will never wholly kiss you;
wholly to be a fool
while Spring is in the world
my blood approves,
and kisses are a better fate
than wisdom
lady i swear by all flowers. Don't cry
—the best gesture of my brain is less than
your eyelids' flutter which says
we are for each other: then
laugh, leaning back in my arms
for life's not a paragraph
And death I think is no parenthesis
e.e. cummings
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